Every day I feel like I can work harder and be more efficient.
Even doing everything on my to-do list is making me anxious.
I can only work hard today, I will accept whatever comes tomorrow.
dark:
Worst things that can happen
- I fail my exams
- I don’t get placed in any company
- I become more depressed
I do things just so I can show off to other people.
I am a narcissist.
I read and learn new stuff so that I can show off.
Sometimes I even have dark and corrupted thoughts about my friends and their family.
Things I am sure about:
I don’t like people.
I like reading, I am not very enthusiastic about it but I like it.
I would like a job where I do not have to talk to a lot of people, small groups are fine.
Studying is the ONLY thing that will get me out of here.
I will NEVER have a family.
I have poor communication skills.
I am scared.
I don’t smoke, not because of some moral reason, but because I am scared of judgment.
I always pretend like I don’t care about what people think, but sometimes I do.
My friends think I respect women, I don’t. I never misbehaved but I fulfill my deepest and darkest fantasies by watching porn so that I don’t have to confront those feelings when I am with any woman.
I always criticize politicians for scamming people, if I have the chance, I am afraid I will do the same.
Every time I read the news about rape, it sends shivers down my spine.
You see I am not a good/nice guy, I am just scared.
I accept these things, at least I am being honest with myself, I am aware of my dark side.
Ask yourself, “Am I a nice person?” then ask yourself, “Am I being honest?”.
I thought I was like Hachiman, but the more I read, the more I realize that I am like Sagami.
January 13, 2021
Fuck.
Recently I have been thinking about my narcissistic nature. I’m starting to understand this side of me. I’ve never talked to anyone about it, but I’ll try and explain it as much as I can.
This does not happen to me often, but when I feel angry or lonely these thoughts appear.
I want people to pity me, and feel bad for me. That’s why sometimes I hurt myself. First I thought I was just losing control of myself, which is true. It’s also because I crave sympathy when I am angry or lonely. I construct people and situations in my mind in which I am the victim. I am the one suffering. I am the one who is persecuted.
I can’t help these thoughts. This is the first time I am documenting these. Otherwise, I mostly forget about these things.
I don’t know who is going to read this. But writing is therapeutic but publishing it, even anonymously gives me a different kind of thrill.
